Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
