And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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