i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
