I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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