Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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