I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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