Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
