so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
