Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
