dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
