The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
