You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
