i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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