Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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