Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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