Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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