One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
