there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
