On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
