Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
