I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
