My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
