For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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