guys are only as good as the porn they watch
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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