I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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