I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize