WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
