omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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