I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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