Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
