even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
two words...techno handjob
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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