She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
