If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
