i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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