apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
