That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
