A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
