Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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