I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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