Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
