Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
