My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
