I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
as a side note pls kill me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
