That's when you crack a 10am beer
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
