i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
