it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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