I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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