oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
