I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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