dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He shit in the fireplace
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
