I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
