There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
