PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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